Empathy

"The risk of being quiet is that other people can fill your silence with their own interpretation: you are shy .You are stuck up. You are depressed .You are 

judgemental. When others can’t read us, they write their own  story-not always one we choose or that's true to who we are" - Sophia Dembling,The introverts way.

I believe in the power of individuals, there is a popular saying that we don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are. In truth when you change your perception things around you change too. They may remain the same at times but since you have changed your perception and attitude the effect these things have on you is not the same. Hence your reactions change and hence everything else change. This is very practical; it is something we can put into practice in our right now lives.

Individuality is defined as the particular character, or aggregate of qualities, that distinguishes one person or thing from others; sole and personal nature. Also defined as the interests of the individual as distinguished from the interests of the community.

 Many years ago, I worked in a place where there was a lot of aggression. The boss was verbally abusive and though he never insulted me, the work environment was characterized by fear, low esteem, insecurity and a lot of back stabbing. The energy was stifling .His wife used to call me small girl and mostly she called me gathigiriri( species of very tiny black ant).I am not sure what about me provoked her.

I tend to think one of the reason I provoked her was I could not stand the verbal insults and I spoke up about it. In fact I encouraged my co workers to let the boss know it was unacceptable. We may live in a country with high levels of unemployment but that did not warrant mistreatment. He was so rude that if you launched a genuine complaint he would rub it to your face that they were many unemployed youths if you did not want to stay you could leave whenever. I was branded as an inciter for encouraging my workmates to speak up. Some did speak up and eventually some even resigned. The boss did not take this well and one month down the line I was fired. I knew verbal abuse translates into emotional scarring, and it bleeds a group of people who are afraid and suffer from low self esteem. I was fresh from campus and though I was and still am a very introverted person, I have always felt mad when I find other people oppressing others.

Over the years I have found that one thing that truly gets to me is oppression. 

I naturally can not stand oppression either towards me or others. Before I got fired it occurred to me one of the reasons my bosses wife belittled me every chance she got is because she too was belittled. She too was a victim of verbal abuse like the rest of us. She was venting out her emotions and directing them towards me. From then on I felt sympathy for her .It did not make me angry or depressed when she made sarcastic comments meant to hurt me.  My way of looking at her changed and my reaction toward her changed. I did not look at her as an abusive person instead I shifted from sympathizing to feeling for her. With this realization my reactions towards what she said changed and by the time I was leaving I did not hate her at all. I felt for her.

I have slowly but progressively discovered things about myself that make me unique. I have not always viewed them as such, at some point I did not understand these things and I suffered for it. I have accepted that there are things about me that others may not understand yet that do not make them non existence. Growing up as a quiet child, I often got criticized for being quiet ,as a result I grew up believing more outspoken people are happier .Being able to engage in small talk and have hundreds of friend seemed to be such a cool and desirable quality. I tried to be that person, even though it goes against my nature. Of course I was judged as shy, sad and many other things. The funny thing is even now some of the people who know me well would find it hard to accept am an introvert. Even now that am a grown up some people are very disturbed by my quietness. They react to it like it’s a disease or a bad habit I picked up that I should change. How do I change that which I am naturally?

I still do not know how to engage in small talk, I always want to ask real questions, even to total strangers. Questions that tell me something about this person that calls for them to be real.

Some times back I could not stand crowds; it gave me a severe headache and left me exhausted. I even suspected I had an eye problem, funny to think there is an eye problem that only affects you when in crowds. I also seemed to suffer from chronic fatigue and mylagia. As I grew older I noticed spending time around some people made me sick. I would develop flu like symptoms which when I went to hospital the doctor would find nothing wrong with me. Some people seemed to energize me while others seemed to completely drain every ounce of energy I had. Some people would tell me how spending time with me made them feel good, yet I would be left feeling exact opposite. With time I became aware that I could sense what others were feeling without being told. I could not only sense it I could feel their feelings like they were my own. I struggled so much with this, I had no idea what was happening to me. I would share with my friends and tell them if they thought I should seek medical help. One of my friends can not count the number of times I have told her I thought I was going mad. Here I was experiencing something my friends could not make sense of. One of my friends told me I was imagining things. I talked to a man of God once about it and he told me he thought I had a gift of discernment.

However, one day while online I came across the term Empathy. It gave me a brand new understanding of what was going on with me. Reading the description and experiences of others, it awakened something inside of me, I understood what was happening. There was a term for it, Empathy- defined as the ability not to just understand but to feel what another being is experiencing from within their framework. A heavy load was lifted off my shoulders. I was not mad or abnormal after all, this was another natural part of me.

Sympathy is feeling of pity or sorrow for someone. In empathy you experience someone else’s feelings as if they were your very own. I did not know whether to classify this as a gift or a curse. I wished and still at times do find myself wishing this ability had a switch, I could turn on and off at will. Later on I read a lot about highly sensitive people (HSP) and most important I learnt about grounding and protecting myself. In short the reason some people would exhaust me is because they took energy from me and damped on me. I simply acted like a sponge absorbing all sorts of emotions.

Some people do not know how to make energy for themselves, they become energy vampires. They are like the moon which gets its light from the sun. After spending time with these people you may feel tired, or drained for no particular reason. In my case however, being highly sensitive it actually left me so drained my body reacted by getting sick.  Other people you spend time with and you feel uplifted, energized. There are environments that are dominated by either good uplifting vibes or oppressing energy. The dominant energy of people in the environment affects the kind of energy found in a place. They are homes I have visited where I felt I could not wait to finish my business and just leave. I have been to business premises where the energy was sickening. I have spent time with people who made me feel so bad and weak; I could not imagine spending any more time with them after that.

We are all sensitive to other people’s feelings to some extent, some of us at one time or the other pick vibes from people or environment. The difference is for someone like me I seem to be doing this all the time involuntarily. All I can do is learn to protect myself. 

Discovering these things about myself and accepting there is nothing abnormal or wrong with my introvert nature, or being extra sensitive has changed me. I no longer feel the need to explain away my quietness, or try to change it. It is natural to me; it is just me being me. It has helped me in the journey to reclaiming myself, reclaiming my authentic power. The power from within. Looking into ourselves, understanding why we think the way we do, why we react the way we do, why we feel the way we do is an important part of reclaiming ourselves. I used to worry a lot about the fact that I could not make small talk like some people I know. I have accepted it is part of my nature. I tend to see and seek depth in people and things. I have also realized that anger seems  to sweep me away and turn me into an ugly person. I have no anger issues, but it is human to get angry. I have learnt when I become aware I am getting angry best thing to do is to walk away. I am embracing the so called negative and positive. After all they are part of my nature.

My challenge to you today is summed up in this quote by Sonya Teclai

“self- reflection is a humbling process.It”s essential to find out why you think, say and do certain things …then better yourself”