Empathy

"The risk of being quiet is that other people can fill your silence with their own interpretation: you are shy .You are stuck up. You are depressed .You are 

judgemental. When others can’t read us, they write their own  story-not always one we choose or that's true to who we are" - Sophia Dembling,The introverts way.

I believe in the power of individuals, there is a popular saying that we don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are. In truth when you change your perception things around you change too. They may remain the same at times but since you have changed your perception and attitude the effect these things have on you is not the same. Hence your reactions change and hence everything else change. This is very practical; it is something we can put into practice in our right now lives.

Individuality is defined as the particular character, or aggregate of qualities, that distinguishes one person or thing from others; sole and personal nature. Also defined as the interests of the individual as distinguished from the interests of the community.

 Many years ago, I worked in a place where there was a lot of aggression. The boss was verbally abusive and though he never insulted me, the work environment was characterized by fear, low esteem, insecurity and a lot of back stabbing. The energy was stifling .His wife used to call me small girl and mostly she called me gathigiriri( species of very tiny black ant).I am not sure what about me provoked her.

I tend to think one of the reason I provoked her was I could not stand the verbal insults and I spoke up about it. In fact I encouraged my co workers to let the boss know it was unacceptable. We may live in a country with high levels of unemployment but that did not warrant mistreatment. He was so rude that if you launched a genuine complaint he would rub it to your face that they were many unemployed youths if you did not want to stay you could leave whenever. I was branded as an inciter for encouraging my workmates to speak up. Some did speak up and eventually some even resigned. The boss did not take this well and one month down the line I was fired. I knew verbal abuse translates into emotional scarring, and it bleeds a group of people who are afraid and suffer from low self esteem. I was fresh from campus and though I was and still am a very introverted person, I have always felt mad when I find other people oppressing others.

Over the years I have found that one thing that truly gets to me is oppression. 

I naturally can not stand oppression either towards me or others. Before I got fired it occurred to me one of the reasons my bosses wife belittled me every chance she got is because she too was belittled. She too was a victim of verbal abuse like the rest of us. She was venting out her emotions and directing them towards me. From then on I felt sympathy for her .It did not make me angry or depressed when she made sarcastic comments meant to hurt me.  My way of looking at her changed and my reaction toward her changed. I did not look at her as an abusive person instead I shifted from sympathizing to feeling for her. With this realization my reactions towards what she said changed and by the time I was leaving I did not hate her at all. I felt for her.

I have slowly but progressively discovered things about myself that make me unique. I have not always viewed them as such, at some point I did not understand these things and I suffered for it. I have accepted that there are things about me that others may not understand yet that do not make them non existence. Growing up as a quiet child, I often got criticized for being quiet ,as a result I grew up believing more outspoken people are happier .Being able to engage in small talk and have hundreds of friend seemed to be such a cool and desirable quality. I tried to be that person, even though it goes against my nature. Of course I was judged as shy, sad and many other things. The funny thing is even now some of the people who know me well would find it hard to accept am an introvert. Even now that am a grown up some people are very disturbed by my quietness. They react to it like it’s a disease or a bad habit I picked up that I should change. How do I change that which I am naturally?

I still do not know how to engage in small talk, I always want to ask real questions, even to total strangers. Questions that tell me something about this person that calls for them to be real.

Some times back I could not stand crowds; it gave me a severe headache and left me exhausted. I even suspected I had an eye problem, funny to think there is an eye problem that only affects you when in crowds. I also seemed to suffer from chronic fatigue and mylagia. As I grew older I noticed spending time around some people made me sick. I would develop flu like symptoms which when I went to hospital the doctor would find nothing wrong with me. Some people seemed to energize me while others seemed to completely drain every ounce of energy I had. Some people would tell me how spending time with me made them feel good, yet I would be left feeling exact opposite. With time I became aware that I could sense what others were feeling without being told. I could not only sense it I could feel their feelings like they were my own. I struggled so much with this, I had no idea what was happening to me. I would share with my friends and tell them if they thought I should seek medical help. One of my friends can not count the number of times I have told her I thought I was going mad. Here I was experiencing something my friends could not make sense of. One of my friends told me I was imagining things. I talked to a man of God once about it and he told me he thought I had a gift of discernment.

However, one day while online I came across the term Empathy. It gave me a brand new understanding of what was going on with me. Reading the description and experiences of others, it awakened something inside of me, I understood what was happening. There was a term for it, Empathy- defined as the ability not to just understand but to feel what another being is experiencing from within their framework. A heavy load was lifted off my shoulders. I was not mad or abnormal after all, this was another natural part of me.

Sympathy is feeling of pity or sorrow for someone. In empathy you experience someone else’s feelings as if they were your very own. I did not know whether to classify this as a gift or a curse. I wished and still at times do find myself wishing this ability had a switch, I could turn on and off at will. Later on I read a lot about highly sensitive people (HSP) and most important I learnt about grounding and protecting myself. In short the reason some people would exhaust me is because they took energy from me and damped on me. I simply acted like a sponge absorbing all sorts of emotions.

Some people do not know how to make energy for themselves, they become energy vampires. They are like the moon which gets its light from the sun. After spending time with these people you may feel tired, or drained for no particular reason. In my case however, being highly sensitive it actually left me so drained my body reacted by getting sick.  Other people you spend time with and you feel uplifted, energized. There are environments that are dominated by either good uplifting vibes or oppressing energy. The dominant energy of people in the environment affects the kind of energy found in a place. They are homes I have visited where I felt I could not wait to finish my business and just leave. I have been to business premises where the energy was sickening. I have spent time with people who made me feel so bad and weak; I could not imagine spending any more time with them after that.

We are all sensitive to other people’s feelings to some extent, some of us at one time or the other pick vibes from people or environment. The difference is for someone like me I seem to be doing this all the time involuntarily. All I can do is learn to protect myself. 

Discovering these things about myself and accepting there is nothing abnormal or wrong with my introvert nature, or being extra sensitive has changed me. I no longer feel the need to explain away my quietness, or try to change it. It is natural to me; it is just me being me. It has helped me in the journey to reclaiming myself, reclaiming my authentic power. The power from within. Looking into ourselves, understanding why we think the way we do, why we react the way we do, why we feel the way we do is an important part of reclaiming ourselves. I used to worry a lot about the fact that I could not make small talk like some people I know. I have accepted it is part of my nature. I tend to see and seek depth in people and things. I have also realized that anger seems  to sweep me away and turn me into an ugly person. I have no anger issues, but it is human to get angry. I have learnt when I become aware I am getting angry best thing to do is to walk away. I am embracing the so called negative and positive. After all they are part of my nature.

My challenge to you today is summed up in this quote by Sonya Teclai

“self- reflection is a humbling process.It”s essential to find out why you think, say and do certain things …then better yourself”

Allowing ourselves to be

‘The greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself without the threat of you leaving’ Anonymous

A while back I made a comment to a close friend of mine of how much in love with him it seemed to me his wife is. He smiled and made a comment that I find myself thinking about quite often. He said he fears that one day his wife will see him for who he truly is and she may actually end up not liking what she saw. He said she might hate him or regret being with him. They have only been married for less than two years and I truly felt for him and knowing where he was coming from also gave me a better understanding of the situation. Looking back maybe I should have advised him to sit down with himself and reflect on what he thinks she sees in him, and what it is he feels she is blind to that he wishes she could acknowledge and understand. I also tend to imagine that sharing such sentiments with his wife could bring a shift to their relationship and to each of them as individuals. It made me wonder of all the things we feel and think but never have the guts to share that could literally change the relationships we have. Think of something you would like to say to someone, be it your wife, your child, friend, boss, associate, anyone at all that you never have the gut to say. Does this thing matter to you? How important is this relationship to you? If you said this thing, what is the worst that can happen?

 We have all at one time or the other found ourselves in situations where we were afraid of showing our true selves. Unfortunately for some people it is not just at times but a way of life. They live life in hiding, in fear of being seen for who they are. The people who have inspired me to write this blog are bloggers who at one time or the other allow us to really see them. They share very raw emotions in their work. Luwi Ajaiyi, Teal swan, Biko Zulu and most important close friends of mine who allow me to see into their lives. They have helped me grow.

One of the spiritual teachers and bloggers I love listening to is called Teal swan. When I discovered her you tube videos I found them to be so amazing and life transforming. They were life changing and listening to her caused a shift in me. However, as I visited her website and her blog the story was not the same. Here was a woman I admired and held high in regard sharing all these intimate details of her life. My first reaction was to close that page and forget all about her. I could feel myself recoil on the inside as I read some things she posted and I felt these ugly feelings arise inside. I was ashamed for her or so I thought but in truth these were my own shame feelings that I had buried deep inside being stirred awake. Reading her blog for the first time caught me unawares, it awakened feelings deep inside that I had simply refused to recognize existed. I simply refused to accept that she was a normal human being, a woman like all other women going through normal life issues like the rest of us. She shared stories of her failed relationships, her suicide attempts, and her crazy and sad childhood. Her stories simply made her too normal for a spiritual teacher. I have grown up knowing religious leaders are to be revered, wise and above some issues we deal with. In her case watching and listening to her videos I formed this image in my head of a highly evolved being, full of light and love. Yet here she was being normal dealing with normal issues and letting the public see into her. Letting us know of these weaknesses that you cannot imagine a spiritual leader to have, yet at the same time her teachings were so powerful they were changing me. It made me realize she was a channel for the divine, truly gifted but that did not mean she stopped being human. The universe treated her as human and so it does to all of us living in this world with no exceptions.

 

Despite all this connections are at the very core of our reason for being here as humans. We are all connected to each other in one way or the other, whether family, friends, business, colleagues, professions any aspect you can think of is driven by the connections we have with others and this planet. Vulnerability is at the very heart of connections. We cannot have true intimate and authentic connections without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is when we allow ourselves to be seen, we accept our short comings without the feeling of not being enough. Mostly we see each other but we do not see into each other. I would like to challenge you to search your life, reflect on the relationships you have. Is there an intimate and meaningful connection in your life in which you do not allow some level of vulnerability? Where you do not let the other see into you even if just a sneak preview?

We cannot live authentic lives, we cannot have deep meaningful connections without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. It has to be a mutual undertaking. Shame and fear are two of the  major factors that hinder vulnerability. It calls for being true to ourselves, being not afraid of our feelings, showing up, having and initiating the hard conversations.  It makes us accept ourselves in all totality, just as we are without feeling the need to apologize for being the way we are. Why don’t you want the world to see you for who you really are? Why do you not want your partner, friends and family to really see you? who you are. What is this that is so bad, so ugly you would rather spend so much energy covering than just let yourself be? Maybe the question I should be posing and one you must start with is, do you want to see the truth in your partner, friends, and relatives? Do you want to hear their truth? Are you brave enough?

 The kind of vulnerability am talking of here is where it starts with you. You take the first step. If you cannot share it admit to yourself that the feeling exists. Create the space within you first. Create the space for others by first allowing them to see into you. Then they may just gather the courage to let you see into them. Feelings are neither good or bad they just are. If am feeling angry it is neither good nor bad it just is a feeling arising from within me at this point and time. Let yourself feel things without judging what you feel. Without labeling it as either good or bad. Don’t distract yourself either, allow yourself to be in the moment, soak in the feeling. It is the only way to transmute it hence it does not turn into unnecessary stored energy. Feeling angry, sad, ashamed, humiliated, joyful, ecstatic, happy, it just is being human. Let yourself be. 

I will leave you to ponder on this quote by Roosevelt, ‘daring greatly’

“It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat” Theodore Roosevelt

What of the other

A story is told of Jeffrey a farmer who wakes up one day to find the storm that lasted all night destroyed his crop. When he wakes in the morning before walking in his farm to access the damage   he calls on his neighbor Tom to ask how bad the damage is, “so how bad are things there” He asks “What of Bruce farm? And what of Michael's?  To know that the storm wreaked havoc in all his near neighbor’s farms gives him a sense of comfort. He is not the only one facing losses, others too lost. How often do we find ourselves in such situations, where knowing things are bad for others gives us a sense of comfort after all we are not the only one. Think of comfort found in support groups knowing there are others going through the same thing as you gives you comfort. Even in our own personal lives this does happen.

Comparison is measuring one thing against another. We compare ourselves mostly to determine social or personal worth based on how we measure up against others. There are so many factors that we use to compare ourselves both social and personal for example intelligence, attractiveness, success, education levels. We compare  our children, friends, jobs, clothes, spouses, shoes, neighborhoods and the list is endless. The number of things that can be compared is almost infinite and the people we can compare ourselves with is infinite.

When we are growing up our parents compare us with other children, how fast is my child learning in comparison to children his age? In fact if we noticed all other children his age have learnt something and he has not we start to get worried. As soon as we started going to school the rating system started. As far back as   pre-unit we were being stack up against each other and being given positions depending on performance. This went on in primary school, high school, campus, the workplace even in society where we live. In fact in a country like Kenya the curriculum is such that it does very little to encourage self-discovery for children and teenangers.It is about sieving, grading and comparing performance. Even thou one was to be exemplary and extremely talented in extra curriculum activities it does not count for much. Hence it is almost as if a natural thing for us to keep comparing ourselves. We have been conditioned that this is a normal and acceptable behavior. It is seemingly the only way to measure how well we are doing.

Comparison bleeds envy, jealousy, competition, resentment, stereotyping. Comparison makes us unkind and mean to each other. It denies us joy, gratitude, a sense of pride in our uniqueness. It breeds misunderstanding and in worst cases low self-esteem. It will never be a win situation. The other person must be doing badly for us to be better than them. We see ourselves as better at times hence we end up scoffing at others. I have met people who treated everything as competition from clothes, to education to the relationships they were in fact some people only thrive through competition to know they are better than, or the need to prove they are better drives and motivates them to work harder. They do not know any other way of being.

Comparison denies our uniqueness. It makes us judge rather than seek to understand. What am good at maybe what you are worst at? Take for instance an introvert like myself values time alone. For me to rejuvenate I want to go to a lonely place all by myself. At the end of the day I want to sit quietly and have a cup of hot chocolate. An extrovert on the other hand may not be able to sit still and alone even for an hour leave alone going for vacation alone. Even when alone they have virtual company with twitter, WhatsApp, Facebook. They may not understand what the appeal of being alone is. Comparison makes us hate where we are in life, it makes us judge and be unkind to ourselves.  We feel left behind by others or ahead of others which makes us scoff at others. We cannot be at peace with our present because we keep comparing ourselves with others.

Comparison at its worst makes us loose the sense of who we are at a soul level. It makes us always want to be other than what we are, makes us want to be some place other where we are presently. We keep measuring ourselves up with others that we get lost in the comparison mode. We forget our individuality and uniqueness in the chase of being better than. It in this regard that who people portray themselves to be on social media becomes more important than who we truly are.  Life become all about others, it becomes about other people’s definition of success.

Before we start the challenging process of changing, we must admit to ourselves that it is true we do not know how to be without comparison. Thou most of us are able to keep envy,jealousy and our comparison quiet it comes out in subtle almost unnoticeable ways. We know we feel these things though others may not see. Let us start by acknowledging our uniqueness. Identify that which you are within or without that no one can be. Appreciate where we are. See how far you have come. How much you have grown. Try to compare yourself with yourself, identify ways you have become better. Dig deep if you must. Learn to be grateful, have a daily ritual of identifying things you are grateful for. Be kind to yourself.

There is a popular African  saying that says  “only he who wears the shoes knows where it hurts”  Don’t look at me and think how happy and well I must be doing ,you have no idea what the inside story is. Celebrate yourself.

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 [F1]a

Where it all begins

‘and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music” Neitzesche

Somebody asked me why do I write? It does not make me any money and certainly at this point and time I have a very small audience. I have also been told I should diversify and write about more staff.   I write so as to empty myself. I write because when am writing I connect with my innermost part, and I loose myself into the world of creating. Then my heart and mind unite, the mind as a servant of the heart. These things I write are part of sharing my beingness.I write because I want the world to know my truth. My truth is I dream of a world where every human being strives to bring out the best they can be. Where we allow our children to discover themselves without our influence. Where we accept that children are born whole and complete, that they already have a purpose that have nothing to do with our thoughts and imagination.  Most important I write because I enjoy it.

Off late I find myself thinking a lot about individuality, what it means and where it takes us, as human beings. If I may try and go back in time, our history as humanity is rich with individuals who in one way or the other have played a role in steering us to our current status as human beings. The power, I have come to realize and greatly appreciate is not and has never been in groups. Power has always been in individuals. Even groups are started by one individual who invites other people of the same interests to join the group. One individual joins with another to form a group that may become a political party, a movement or remain just a group. I will name some individuals right off my head and I would like to invite you to think of what your opinion is and how you think they have affected humanity and contributed to our current status as the human race. Madam Curie, Barack Obama, Gadafi, Nelson Madera, Robert Mugabe, Mother Teresa, Adolf Hitler, Mahatma Gadhi,Osama bin Laden, Wangari Mathai, Martin Luther King, Michael Jackson, Merlyn Monroe, Albert Einstein, Carl Gustav Jung,Sadam Hussein, Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs,Gautam Buddha .I could list a whole page but I will stop there and you can create your own list.

Each of the individual above had a dream, strong thoughts, opinions and theories. At the time some those theories were unacceptable and outrageous. To them thou it did not matter whether the dream and theories were good or bad. They were willing to find out their own way. Even most important they wanted their dreams to come true. They were men and women of great character, charismatic and great weaknesses too some of which we may know and some well hidden. They lived life and believed in what they were as human beings such that they created movements or movements formed around them. Some however were lone rangers and died fighting for what they believed. Some are dead and some are alive. Some their dreams came true during their time and others planted a seed that has been carried for generations only to bear fruits much later. Some paid sweat and blood for daring to be unconventional, for refusing to go with the crowd. Some paid with their lives and others made the rest of the world pay. Madam Curie was killed by her work, it would benefit the rest of humanity but she died alone. Adolf Hitler caused loss in great levels, pain and loss of life. Just because he had a dream and ideals that may have been madness and psychological sickness but they were his dream and he did everything in his power to bring them to life. Wangari Maathai fought for forests, she fought for something that could never belong to her. She was jailed, beaten up but she fought on. If you think about it hers must have seemed a totally ridiculous ambition at the time. Few people understood. Others not mentioned here, some whom we may never learn of suffered too for example women who died during the witch hunt not because they were or were not witches but because people did not even understand.

For these people to discover these passions they must have dug into their depths. They must have accepted the feelings that came from within them. Some may have been thought to be mad by their families and peer, some may have been rejected. Albert Einstein did not learn how to talk until he was four, he could not learn to tie His shoes and was way behind his classmates in learning to read. His teachers described him as mentally slow, unsociable and a dreamer. Although he eventually made it through college, he failed the entrance level exam for college. He is thought by some to have had Asperger symptoms, a form of autism. Despite all this Einstein became a theoretical physicist who came up with astounding scientific discoveries and theories. There is a man in history called Copernicus who strongly supported the theory that the sun was the center of the solar system. This was widely disputed and largely ignored especially by the church. He wrote to the pope of the day trying to seek support but to no avail.

The single reason I decided to dedicate this post today to these individuals is because I believe in the power of individuals. I believe true power to transform this world, nations, families, and friends lies not in groups but with individuals. I do not know of any individual who is perfect or had it smooth all the way. We cannot discover what power lies within unless we let ourselves be as human as can be. By allowing our true selves to live. Whether beautiful or ugly. All of us has some ugly truth, unfortunately we cannot see the stars during the day or the moon. Only in darkness do we see the stars. We cannot appreciate daylight if we cannot appreciate darkness. We cannot appreciate the rains if we do not experience the dry season or as some people would say summer and winter.  People like Hitler might have existed for us to see meaning in what people like mother Teresa did. The aim is not to go down the books of history, the purpose is when is all said and done you did it your way, you lived. You may not have reached the point of being able to define success in your own terms. I am still putting the terms together for myself and if you have put down your own terms well and good. Start by wondering what is it you would be willing to die for here and now. It does not matter whether you have no idea, whether your mind comes blank, put the thought in your head. Plant it, keep it there, and think about it. Start the journey into rediscovering yourself.  Sing your own song no matter how off key. It is time to stop living life in other people’s terms but our own, truth born from our depth.