Two sides of the same coin

'you must understand the whole of life,not just one little part of it.That is why you must read,that is why you must look at the sky,sing and dance,and write poems ,and suffer, and understand,for all that is life'  Jidu Krishnamurti

Growing up one of the things we learn as soon as our minds can grasp anything is good and bad, as we grow older .The good we label as light, godly or  good  and  most popularly  acceptable. The bad we label as evil, darkness or bad or simply unacceptable. We train our minds to live in duality, we condition our minds for years and all through life this becomes our way of life. We pass it down generations and it has survived well since as some people want to call it Garden of   Eden. There are always winners and losers, friend or foe, positive or negative, man or woman, heaven or hell. Are they really two opposing sides? Or are they more like land and ocean?  Are they more like night and day? Sun and stars?

The sun does not set nor rise, and most of the times the day is equal to the night. The earth simply rotates away from the sun.  When you go to the beach the water is flowing on top of land. If you were to walk into the ocean sooner or later you lose your touch with the ground. It does not mean the land seizes to exist below the water. Imagine a diver or a submarine literally on the floor of the ocean on its deepest part are they not in touch with the land covered by the massive waters. 

Just like day and night are so are we, two sides of the same coin. Those who grew up going to church like myself were repeatedly taught to be good. Even in our homes we were taught to be good is the only acceptable way of life. The whole point of existence of the law is to ensure we do the right thing. For those who cannot differentiate the two the law, rules and regulations exist for that very purpose. So in this world duality rules and everything and everyone has two sides. Two sides of the same coin. All our lives we have been taught to allow only one side. Can you imagine if the night did not exist, assume it was daylight all the time or alternatively assume it was night all the time?  I don’t know about you but one of the most beautiful things I love about this planet is watching   the stars at night. I imagine those who discovered space and that there was more than our planet did so at night. To gaze at the stars at night and know that earth is just one of the bodies in the Milky Way is a mind numbing marvel. The stars, the moon, the sun are all parts of the earth experience.

The reason for going into details about all this is to drive the point home, both night and day exists within each and every one of us. If your life was threatened it is the dark part of us that would make and have made some people fight back. Some people call this self-defense, it simply is our dark part reacting. Is fear a good thing or a bad thing? In most communities some people attribute fear to being cowardly. Fear however causes you to react, example if you were attacked by a wild animal fear causes flight. In some instances however fear holds us back, in some cases it contains us in our comfort zone. However can one be truly one hundred percent without fear of some kind? 

We think and live based on duality, we forget head and tails are two different sides of the same coin. What happens when you realize that there are feelings that arise from within you involuntarily yet are unacceptable by others?  For example parts of your personality that are inborn yet you can do little to change. Some people have embraced one side while suppressing the other. Of course this creates an imbalance.  When you suppress that which you are naturally how can you live a  holistic and authentic life?  I believe what we need is a balance not to deny or suppress either side.

Think of anger, when you last felt so angry about something or someone. Why were you angry? Looking in my own life I realized I feel angry when my boundaries are violated.  When people do things to us that provoke something inside of us we get angry. We do not get angry because of someone words but what they awaken inside us. There is an energy dormant within us that has been stirred. Anger then is helpful as it helps in setting boundaries, what makes us angry can point us to issues within us we need to deal with.

For example, Jealousy is an emotion we have been taught is bad and evil. Feeling jealousy can lead to doing  bad  things and maybe it does that in some cases. It is as some people would call it evil.  In fact growing up going to church I can still hear in my memory our church school teacher telling us how Cain jealousy caused him to Kill Abel and hence was cursed forever. The first human murder according to the bible caused by jealousy. This translated to me fearing the feeling, hating and suppressing it for a very long time. Worse of all pretending it did not affect me, sadly it is one emotion that seemed to arise involuntarily like many other emotions. 

One day this week I made a decision to allow myself  to feel  without  judging the feeling , I gave myself permission to feel even the unacceptable. It seemed my body and mind complied for I felt jelous of even small things. This was odd, normally I don’t find myself feeling this way often. The  truth is not only did I dislike the word, I thought it was a weakness, it showed I had not accepted myself and who I am. All my life I suppressed it. Suppressing an emotion does not mean the energy that is the emotion goes away it just settles in our bodies. We carry it around everywhere we go, it lies dormant until something happens to awaken it. Is it possible I wonder to control the feelings that arise involuntarily from within us? If you ever found yourself  feeling  jealous  what did you do?  I also realized I felt jealous of people I had no reason to feel jealous of. There was nothing about their lives that matched with mine except above all else we are one. However in this world of duality we were simply on different course yet why? Once I heard a friend got a great job and was doing well and I felt jealous .Why I wondered, I was not looking   for the promotion or to climb the social ladder they were climbing. Once I felt jealous of how a workmate seemed capable of fitting in and doing small talk with everyone. Why? I dislike small talk, I simply don’t know how to engage in one, not for lack of trying .I also find them very empty. How could I engage in small talk with someone if I can sense and feel the truth behind every word they say. If I know how they feel at this point in time. If they are lying, if they are pretending, kissing ass or trying too hard. My nature would simply not allow me. I feel more than small talk allows. Then I realized there is jealous and envy and I used both interchangeably to mean the same thing.

There is another part of me inside sieving through what am receiving and not just making commentary but judging. To be judgmental is a bad thing that is what I was taught .However, quite often than not how I judge what am perceiving turns out to be true. Why feel jealousy of people who we have so little in common, I most certainly do not want what they have. I realized these people simply reminded me how far from achieving my dreams I felt I was. Feeling jealous did not mean I did not want them to achieve or be where they were it simply provoked  my longing to achieve my own desires while at the same time provoking that feeling inside of doubt and fear of failing . What they had that I wanted was success but my own success in my own quest was nothing like what they had achieved.  

When a man or woman feels jealous of her or his lover, simply that which is causing  jealousy is provoking something that already exists inside them. Insecurity, fear of losing this other person. Insecurity is one thing we have all struggled with, at one time or the other. So long   as the unknown exists then we can never truly feel totally secure in ourselves leave alone in this world. Tomorrow represents the unknown for no one truly knows what tomorrow will bring.  Most of us humans live almost all our lives looking and waiting   for tomorrow, doing everything for tomorrow. Interesting to note here that the sun never sets nor rises hence tomorrow is a mind conditioning. There is only now, a continuous ongoing now. We permit ourselves to feel the unacceptable so it can point us onto our true selves.

 Some of us live all our lives trying to be good, believing we are good. Others have embraced their darkness and live their lives in darkness always. Someone said there is a very thin line between love and hate. Hence no matter how hard we try to be good and manifest our goodness once in a while our darkness will come out. Since we always suppress it we will have no idea what to do with it. Today if I feel a situation is making me angry I choose to keep quiet, or walk away. Experience has taught me when am angry I say and do things that are sometimes totally out of line.  Emotions are neither good nor bad, they simply are alive within us . If an emotion arises no matter how hard we try to suppress it. It arises from within us for a reason. We can either allow ourselves to experience it or suppress it.

I once had a boss I could not stand, there was something about him I truly disliked. I disliked how he handled things, but there was something in the way he did things, simplicity. I disliked   simplicity, I am not sure why but whenever somebody told me I was simple, or commented on my simplicity, I hated it. I grew to dislike it so much that I disliked people like my boss.  I wanted to be sophisticated and complex, yet naturally no matter how complex something is I always try to find a way to simplify it. I find ways to make it easy to understand for whoever it is am explaining it to. I try to use lay man language so to speak in simple terms I want things to be easy to understand for everyone.  The other thing my boss had was loyalty to our employer. If you were to choose a team would you not choose those who are loyal to you. Being loyal to a course does not mean one cannot be fierce .It does not make you weak. I did have a lot in common with my boss, I just refused to accept these qualities because I interpreted them using my conditioning.  They appeared to be weaknesses. Being loyal I interpreted as ass kissing which it could have been but in this case it actually wasn’t. Being simple I interpreted as weakness.

Imagine a thermometer, it measures both cold and warmth. It has a zero mark which can go down to read negative or up to read hot. Now imagine cold represents evil, while warmth represents good. Cold or warmth are both in the same continuum that is why there is only one gadget to measure either. So is being good or bad , there are all in the same continuum we just tend to rotate towards one side, mostly  depending on our conditioning.  When you lose weight the weighing scale goes down, when you gain weight it goes up.

Next time you feel angry, or jealous if you can manage not to be swallowed and controlled by the emotion, don’t fight it either observe it. As it arises within you, close your eyes and feel it. Let it point you to the truth inside you . It lives within you, not outside it is as real and true as those good and acceptable feelings you allow yourself to feel. It is the only way to bring darkness to light not by covering it.

What happens when people go to a confession, or simply tell the truth? It is simply shining light to the dark. Shine the light of consciousness to your darkness by permitting yourself  to feel all that arises from within.

this being human

World’s roads

“All the worlds’ roads lead to the heart of the warrior; he plunges unhesitatingly into the rivers of passion always flowing through his life.  The warrior knows he is free to choose his desires and he does so with courage, detachment - and –sometimes with just a touch of madness. He embraces his passions and enjoys them intensely. He knows there is no need to renounce the pleasures of conquest; they are part of life and bring joy to all those who participate in them. But he never loses sight of those things that last or of the strong bonds that are forged over time. A warrior can distinguish between the transient and the enduring”    The manual of the warrior of light by Paulo Coehlo

I have heard stories of people who said things on social media, musicians who wrote music that foretold their demise. As I lay down in pain I wondered do people know when they are near death. Is there a feeling, a premonition that warns you of approaching end of this life time? Last time I posted here about empathy I shared how I experience different pains in the body. Turns out according to the orthopedic I have rheumatism. I am of a different opinion but am not a doctor.  This is a general term used to describe an array of immunity disorders. When the body produces antibodies that are meant to fight diseases but end up attacking healthy cells and tissues. Diseases such as lupus, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis result from this. Most of these diseases cause chronic pain and are incurable. The health practitioners give you meds to manage the symptoms.

The thing about physical pain is it grounds you. Hard as you try you cannot be anywhere else but here with your body. The pain is inescapable hence you experience it one hundred percent. Rheumatoid arthritis or fibro myalgia pain is worse because it affects many parts of the body at the same time.

Back to the topic do people know they are about to leave this world. Despite the fact that some religions promises a heaven which our eyes have never seen, things not heard of nor could we ever imagine. Even followers of such religions seem to look at death like the worst thing that could happen to them. I find this contradictory, if heaven is such a place of beauty unimaginable, place of rest and a promise of eternal rest with no pain nor strive I would think death then would be a welcome relief from this temporary life. If the whole point of being good and leading holy life is to end up in heaven I would think then it should be a place to yearn for and look forward to and death then should not be seen as an end but more like a beginning of eternity. Eternal peace and rest as popularly taught. However being well and healthy with no pain limits our human imagination. Being in pain or having a painful incurable disease changes that.

Chronic illness may reduce your life expectancy .If you are a mother you may be in pain but you fight because you want to see your children grow up. Having a chronic illness makes you have a whole way of experiencing life. If you did not know already, health becomes the number one priority, or rather the most important thing in life. Then watching what you eat, exercising becomes important not because someone said so, but you consciously start making choices that are important to your health. No body chooses ill health, diseases crop up unexpected some are inherited. However, prevention is better than cure and one cannot deny the prevalence of lifestyle diseases at this day and age.

Do you commune with your body? Do you listen to your body? Do you talk to your body?  Some may not understand this because they view themselves as the sum total of their body. Growing up I hated my body, it was shapeless and too thin … I complained to myself. Beauty to me was all about the curves.  That has since changed, one thing I understand is the body is the vehicle to life on this dimension. For me to experience life on this dimension then I need this precious vehicle called my body. It houses the spirit, or consciousness, that which I am in this dimension cannot be without the body. That is a key factor of this life hence I must take good care of it.No matter how alive we are inside if the body fails then life in this dimension, in this planet cannot be. I am more than this body but it is an important part of being human. I cannot deny the body and its biological mechanism. I must take great care of it, I must do my part.

The spirit

The body is the house, or temple if you may. It is part of why we are here now. What are we? Who are you? The spirit, some people call it the soul. The word spirit comes from Latin word spiritus ‘breath’’. Webster defines it as a force within a human being thought to give the body life, energy, power. Some simply alternate between soul and spirit. It is the unifying factor in all life, by life I mean every living thing. Some school of thought believe everything has a soul even rocks, no wonder some people believe crystals have some magical healing powers. Do you think a river has a soul? What of the mountain, craters, lakes, oceans, deserts, forests? Do any of these have a soul? What of insects? There is an old spiritual adage that says when you connect with your soul, you also connect with the soul of the universe. Hence when you want something deep down your heart, the whole universe conspires to help you get it.

When I was growing up, I admired my uncle he got a degree and all I wanted was to get a degree. I also wanted to work for a multinational company and back then I only knew two, unilever and cocacola.I in particular liked coca cola and always wanted to work there. Note these were things I wanted when I was in high school and primary school. I  did get a degree and my second job ,which I like to think as my first professional job was with cocacola.I have had other things I wanted come true, even unwanted things. When you want something so bad you think about it a lot. This is where the secret law of attraction is birthed. I wanted to go to university, not just any but Nairobi Uni. I did not just think about it, I worked my ass off, I thought of myself as one of those smart ass who make it there. I never thought of exactly what I will do when I get there, I just wanted to be there. I behaved like one of those smart kids, weird bookworm. What happens is that all these sets a vibration frequency. I attracted people thinking like me because that is the vibe am sending out.  I did not go to Nairobi University but I did get a sponsor and went to a private university. I did not fail but neither did I make the government cut line, and I worked as a merchandiser with coca cola. Even bad things happen in the same manner we think about it constantly and we set a vibration that attracts bad things.

Some relationship experts argue we attract people in our lives depending on the vibe we are sending out into the world..If you are needy and insecure it is almost natural that you attract a needy person. They argue if you want a good relationship first work on your own self love and deal with your own insecurities. There is truth in this kind of advice. Some take it farther and say if you grew up in violent environment  then you are likely to attract a violent partner. 
You store up energy from the violent environment and you end up sending out vibes from that stored energy. Others grow up thinking its normal for a man to beat his wife. So we end up attracting partners who abuse them.

Do you think of someone out of the blues and they call you or text or you meet with them accidentally. Do coincidences happen which just seem like lucky coincidences? Do you ever experience synchronicity of events? Mostly these things happen when we are tuned to the soul. We are in alignment, things are falling into place just like they should. Sometimes we are not even aware that things are falling into place. At times we are so taken by present moment emotions and situations we cannot even have a glimpse of the depth of things. Some of us live life at the periphery of life. Life becomes all about the life situations we find ourselves in. They cannot imagine or perceive a higher order of things. Something could happen at the present moment that completely takes over our thoughts and hence emotions. Since most of us have no idea how to go deeper beyond the life situation it takes over our lives, rules our lives, the story of our life literally becomes our daily living story. In my opinion this is how people commit suicide (which is open for discussion). What happens now could just set our life in motion for things to come. The present moment is the only moment in life we have any power over, it is all that actually matters. What we do here and now is actually all that counts.

That is why motivational speakers who speak of affirmation, talk of repeating some mantra to yourself in front of the mirror. Others speak of fake it till you make it. Others will tell you if you want to be a big business executive start behaving as if you are already that at this point in time. They are all correct methods, the reason is so as to attune yourself with that vibration. Everything has a vibration .When I read spiritual material, or listen to spiritual teachers though all of them seem to have different styles and some similarities I have noticed they are all addressing the same thing using different styles. Many paths towards the same point. 

I believe there is only one source of life for all living things. We all are born from this, when we die life,  consciousness or that which makes us be, leaves and goes back to this source. Call it heaven or what you wish to call. What happens when we go back to the source I cannot tell hence will leave it for your imagination. When we are tuned to ourselves deep within hence connected to our souls, we are also connected to the source and hence the soul of the universe. The practice of getting connected or trying to connect to the source is what I define as spiritual practice. Being connected is what I define as spirituality. One who feels connected or practices rituals to get connected or stay connected is who I call a spiritual person.

Religion is a set of beliefs and practices with a purpose of getting connected to God. One who practices religion is said to be religious. I believe every living thing comes from one source. Life has only one creator, call it God, or Allah, I simply call it the source. How you choose to get connected to this source of life is just that a matter of choice. I also believe no one practice is superior to the others. What works for me may not work for you. For instance I find being close to nature and tuning to the vibration of nature to work for me than most other things. Also meditation, mindfulness, creativity, dancing, prayer,even connecting with other people works for me. For some people prayer and practicing some rituals works for them. Others want to practice religion. That which works for you may not work for me.

 Spiritual experiences are very personal and intimate. I have had experiences I cannot put into words. Sometimes we have experiences that when we share people think we are making things up or are nuts. Hence sometimes one may choose to keep these amazing experiences to themselves for fear of ridicule. I have done that, in fact these days I choose to keep these experiences to myself. What people do not understand they judge as imagined or crazy? Some will assume because I do not ascribe to any particular religion then I cannot have real spiritual experiences. Everyone should feel free to practice what works for them. How you connect to the divine and experience divinity is personal. The path you choose to follow should be one inspired by love and freedom. Why do you follow the path you are on? If there is fear, fear of burning in eternal hell, fear inspired by religion then maybe it’s time to rethink.

 The journey is as important as the destination, none is above the other. During the journey the warrior of light becomes all that he is, his true color’s surfaces. As a spiritual seeker I reached a point and it dawned on me that I arrive so many times during the journey. It occurred to me that the destination I had in mind was made of many more arrivals which were all important. For example I find myself in a situation where it dawns on me that I have a lot of pride and it is interfering with my being truly who I am. At that point in time when  the realization that my pride is an issue hits me, I have what some people call an ‘aha’ moment.An eye opener, I  arrive to another discovery of my true self.It is like the peeling of the onion to get to the core. I am aware of this shadow quality in myself. Some call it self realization. The universe may put me in a situation where then I have to humble myself and have a lot of humility. That is what I mean by the phrase we alive many times.

A true path allows you to be true to yourself without denying parts of yourself. There are paths that deny the body and treat it like an abomination. Others treat the needs of the body like an abomination. They suppress them .What we resist becomes stronger. A true path I believe allows us to be honest, and very real. Choose a  spiritual path that allows you to discover your light and your darkness too.All of us has the shadow self and light. The road that leads to life is narrow.

Empathy

"The risk of being quiet is that other people can fill your silence with their own interpretation: you are shy .You are stuck up. You are depressed .You are 

judgemental. When others can’t read us, they write their own  story-not always one we choose or that's true to who we are" - Sophia Dembling,The introverts way.

I believe in the power of individuals, there is a popular saying that we don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as we are. In truth when you change your perception things around you change too. They may remain the same at times but since you have changed your perception and attitude the effect these things have on you is not the same. Hence your reactions change and hence everything else change. This is very practical; it is something we can put into practice in our right now lives.

Individuality is defined as the particular character, or aggregate of qualities, that distinguishes one person or thing from others; sole and personal nature. Also defined as the interests of the individual as distinguished from the interests of the community.

 Many years ago, I worked in a place where there was a lot of aggression. The boss was verbally abusive and though he never insulted me, the work environment was characterized by fear, low esteem, insecurity and a lot of back stabbing. The energy was stifling .His wife used to call me small girl and mostly she called me gathigiriri( species of very tiny black ant).I am not sure what about me provoked her.

I tend to think one of the reason I provoked her was I could not stand the verbal insults and I spoke up about it. In fact I encouraged my co workers to let the boss know it was unacceptable. We may live in a country with high levels of unemployment but that did not warrant mistreatment. He was so rude that if you launched a genuine complaint he would rub it to your face that they were many unemployed youths if you did not want to stay you could leave whenever. I was branded as an inciter for encouraging my workmates to speak up. Some did speak up and eventually some even resigned. The boss did not take this well and one month down the line I was fired. I knew verbal abuse translates into emotional scarring, and it bleeds a group of people who are afraid and suffer from low self esteem. I was fresh from campus and though I was and still am a very introverted person, I have always felt mad when I find other people oppressing others.

Over the years I have found that one thing that truly gets to me is oppression. 

I naturally can not stand oppression either towards me or others. Before I got fired it occurred to me one of the reasons my bosses wife belittled me every chance she got is because she too was belittled. She too was a victim of verbal abuse like the rest of us. She was venting out her emotions and directing them towards me. From then on I felt sympathy for her .It did not make me angry or depressed when she made sarcastic comments meant to hurt me.  My way of looking at her changed and my reaction toward her changed. I did not look at her as an abusive person instead I shifted from sympathizing to feeling for her. With this realization my reactions towards what she said changed and by the time I was leaving I did not hate her at all. I felt for her.

I have slowly but progressively discovered things about myself that make me unique. I have not always viewed them as such, at some point I did not understand these things and I suffered for it. I have accepted that there are things about me that others may not understand yet that do not make them non existence. Growing up as a quiet child, I often got criticized for being quiet ,as a result I grew up believing more outspoken people are happier .Being able to engage in small talk and have hundreds of friend seemed to be such a cool and desirable quality. I tried to be that person, even though it goes against my nature. Of course I was judged as shy, sad and many other things. The funny thing is even now some of the people who know me well would find it hard to accept am an introvert. Even now that am a grown up some people are very disturbed by my quietness. They react to it like it’s a disease or a bad habit I picked up that I should change. How do I change that which I am naturally?

I still do not know how to engage in small talk, I always want to ask real questions, even to total strangers. Questions that tell me something about this person that calls for them to be real.

Some times back I could not stand crowds; it gave me a severe headache and left me exhausted. I even suspected I had an eye problem, funny to think there is an eye problem that only affects you when in crowds. I also seemed to suffer from chronic fatigue and mylagia. As I grew older I noticed spending time around some people made me sick. I would develop flu like symptoms which when I went to hospital the doctor would find nothing wrong with me. Some people seemed to energize me while others seemed to completely drain every ounce of energy I had. Some people would tell me how spending time with me made them feel good, yet I would be left feeling exact opposite. With time I became aware that I could sense what others were feeling without being told. I could not only sense it I could feel their feelings like they were my own. I struggled so much with this, I had no idea what was happening to me. I would share with my friends and tell them if they thought I should seek medical help. One of my friends can not count the number of times I have told her I thought I was going mad. Here I was experiencing something my friends could not make sense of. One of my friends told me I was imagining things. I talked to a man of God once about it and he told me he thought I had a gift of discernment.

However, one day while online I came across the term Empathy. It gave me a brand new understanding of what was going on with me. Reading the description and experiences of others, it awakened something inside of me, I understood what was happening. There was a term for it, Empathy- defined as the ability not to just understand but to feel what another being is experiencing from within their framework. A heavy load was lifted off my shoulders. I was not mad or abnormal after all, this was another natural part of me.

Sympathy is feeling of pity or sorrow for someone. In empathy you experience someone else’s feelings as if they were your very own. I did not know whether to classify this as a gift or a curse. I wished and still at times do find myself wishing this ability had a switch, I could turn on and off at will. Later on I read a lot about highly sensitive people (HSP) and most important I learnt about grounding and protecting myself. In short the reason some people would exhaust me is because they took energy from me and damped on me. I simply acted like a sponge absorbing all sorts of emotions.

Some people do not know how to make energy for themselves, they become energy vampires. They are like the moon which gets its light from the sun. After spending time with these people you may feel tired, or drained for no particular reason. In my case however, being highly sensitive it actually left me so drained my body reacted by getting sick.  Other people you spend time with and you feel uplifted, energized. There are environments that are dominated by either good uplifting vibes or oppressing energy. The dominant energy of people in the environment affects the kind of energy found in a place. They are homes I have visited where I felt I could not wait to finish my business and just leave. I have been to business premises where the energy was sickening. I have spent time with people who made me feel so bad and weak; I could not imagine spending any more time with them after that.

We are all sensitive to other people’s feelings to some extent, some of us at one time or the other pick vibes from people or environment. The difference is for someone like me I seem to be doing this all the time involuntarily. All I can do is learn to protect myself. 

Discovering these things about myself and accepting there is nothing abnormal or wrong with my introvert nature, or being extra sensitive has changed me. I no longer feel the need to explain away my quietness, or try to change it. It is natural to me; it is just me being me. It has helped me in the journey to reclaiming myself, reclaiming my authentic power. The power from within. Looking into ourselves, understanding why we think the way we do, why we react the way we do, why we feel the way we do is an important part of reclaiming ourselves. I used to worry a lot about the fact that I could not make small talk like some people I know. I have accepted it is part of my nature. I tend to see and seek depth in people and things. I have also realized that anger seems  to sweep me away and turn me into an ugly person. I have no anger issues, but it is human to get angry. I have learnt when I become aware I am getting angry best thing to do is to walk away. I am embracing the so called negative and positive. After all they are part of my nature.

My challenge to you today is summed up in this quote by Sonya Teclai

“self- reflection is a humbling process.It”s essential to find out why you think, say and do certain things …then better yourself”

Allowing ourselves to be

‘The greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself without the threat of you leaving’ Anonymous

A while back I made a comment to a close friend of mine of how much in love with him it seemed to me his wife is. He smiled and made a comment that I find myself thinking about quite often. He said he fears that one day his wife will see him for who he truly is and she may actually end up not liking what she saw. He said she might hate him or regret being with him. They have only been married for less than two years and I truly felt for him and knowing where he was coming from also gave me a better understanding of the situation. Looking back maybe I should have advised him to sit down with himself and reflect on what he thinks she sees in him, and what it is he feels she is blind to that he wishes she could acknowledge and understand. I also tend to imagine that sharing such sentiments with his wife could bring a shift to their relationship and to each of them as individuals. It made me wonder of all the things we feel and think but never have the guts to share that could literally change the relationships we have. Think of something you would like to say to someone, be it your wife, your child, friend, boss, associate, anyone at all that you never have the gut to say. Does this thing matter to you? How important is this relationship to you? If you said this thing, what is the worst that can happen?

 We have all at one time or the other found ourselves in situations where we were afraid of showing our true selves. Unfortunately for some people it is not just at times but a way of life. They live life in hiding, in fear of being seen for who they are. The people who have inspired me to write this blog are bloggers who at one time or the other allow us to really see them. They share very raw emotions in their work. Luwi Ajaiyi, Teal swan, Biko Zulu and most important close friends of mine who allow me to see into their lives. They have helped me grow.

One of the spiritual teachers and bloggers I love listening to is called Teal swan. When I discovered her you tube videos I found them to be so amazing and life transforming. They were life changing and listening to her caused a shift in me. However, as I visited her website and her blog the story was not the same. Here was a woman I admired and held high in regard sharing all these intimate details of her life. My first reaction was to close that page and forget all about her. I could feel myself recoil on the inside as I read some things she posted and I felt these ugly feelings arise inside. I was ashamed for her or so I thought but in truth these were my own shame feelings that I had buried deep inside being stirred awake. Reading her blog for the first time caught me unawares, it awakened feelings deep inside that I had simply refused to recognize existed. I simply refused to accept that she was a normal human being, a woman like all other women going through normal life issues like the rest of us. She shared stories of her failed relationships, her suicide attempts, and her crazy and sad childhood. Her stories simply made her too normal for a spiritual teacher. I have grown up knowing religious leaders are to be revered, wise and above some issues we deal with. In her case watching and listening to her videos I formed this image in my head of a highly evolved being, full of light and love. Yet here she was being normal dealing with normal issues and letting the public see into her. Letting us know of these weaknesses that you cannot imagine a spiritual leader to have, yet at the same time her teachings were so powerful they were changing me. It made me realize she was a channel for the divine, truly gifted but that did not mean she stopped being human. The universe treated her as human and so it does to all of us living in this world with no exceptions.

 

Despite all this connections are at the very core of our reason for being here as humans. We are all connected to each other in one way or the other, whether family, friends, business, colleagues, professions any aspect you can think of is driven by the connections we have with others and this planet. Vulnerability is at the very heart of connections. We cannot have true intimate and authentic connections without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is when we allow ourselves to be seen, we accept our short comings without the feeling of not being enough. Mostly we see each other but we do not see into each other. I would like to challenge you to search your life, reflect on the relationships you have. Is there an intimate and meaningful connection in your life in which you do not allow some level of vulnerability? Where you do not let the other see into you even if just a sneak preview?

We cannot live authentic lives, we cannot have deep meaningful connections without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. It has to be a mutual undertaking. Shame and fear are two of the  major factors that hinder vulnerability. It calls for being true to ourselves, being not afraid of our feelings, showing up, having and initiating the hard conversations.  It makes us accept ourselves in all totality, just as we are without feeling the need to apologize for being the way we are. Why don’t you want the world to see you for who you really are? Why do you not want your partner, friends and family to really see you? who you are. What is this that is so bad, so ugly you would rather spend so much energy covering than just let yourself be? Maybe the question I should be posing and one you must start with is, do you want to see the truth in your partner, friends, and relatives? Do you want to hear their truth? Are you brave enough?

 The kind of vulnerability am talking of here is where it starts with you. You take the first step. If you cannot share it admit to yourself that the feeling exists. Create the space within you first. Create the space for others by first allowing them to see into you. Then they may just gather the courage to let you see into them. Feelings are neither good or bad they just are. If am feeling angry it is neither good nor bad it just is a feeling arising from within me at this point and time. Let yourself feel things without judging what you feel. Without labeling it as either good or bad. Don’t distract yourself either, allow yourself to be in the moment, soak in the feeling. It is the only way to transmute it hence it does not turn into unnecessary stored energy. Feeling angry, sad, ashamed, humiliated, joyful, ecstatic, happy, it just is being human. Let yourself be. 

I will leave you to ponder on this quote by Roosevelt, ‘daring greatly’

“It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat” Theodore Roosevelt

What of the other

A story is told of Jeffrey a farmer who wakes up one day to find the storm that lasted all night destroyed his crop. When he wakes in the morning before walking in his farm to access the damage   he calls on his neighbor Tom to ask how bad the damage is, “so how bad are things there” He asks “What of Bruce farm? And what of Michael's?  To know that the storm wreaked havoc in all his near neighbor’s farms gives him a sense of comfort. He is not the only one facing losses, others too lost. How often do we find ourselves in such situations, where knowing things are bad for others gives us a sense of comfort after all we are not the only one. Think of comfort found in support groups knowing there are others going through the same thing as you gives you comfort. Even in our own personal lives this does happen.

Comparison is measuring one thing against another. We compare ourselves mostly to determine social or personal worth based on how we measure up against others. There are so many factors that we use to compare ourselves both social and personal for example intelligence, attractiveness, success, education levels. We compare  our children, friends, jobs, clothes, spouses, shoes, neighborhoods and the list is endless. The number of things that can be compared is almost infinite and the people we can compare ourselves with is infinite.

When we are growing up our parents compare us with other children, how fast is my child learning in comparison to children his age? In fact if we noticed all other children his age have learnt something and he has not we start to get worried. As soon as we started going to school the rating system started. As far back as   pre-unit we were being stack up against each other and being given positions depending on performance. This went on in primary school, high school, campus, the workplace even in society where we live. In fact in a country like Kenya the curriculum is such that it does very little to encourage self-discovery for children and teenangers.It is about sieving, grading and comparing performance. Even thou one was to be exemplary and extremely talented in extra curriculum activities it does not count for much. Hence it is almost as if a natural thing for us to keep comparing ourselves. We have been conditioned that this is a normal and acceptable behavior. It is seemingly the only way to measure how well we are doing.

Comparison bleeds envy, jealousy, competition, resentment, stereotyping. Comparison makes us unkind and mean to each other. It denies us joy, gratitude, a sense of pride in our uniqueness. It breeds misunderstanding and in worst cases low self-esteem. It will never be a win situation. The other person must be doing badly for us to be better than them. We see ourselves as better at times hence we end up scoffing at others. I have met people who treated everything as competition from clothes, to education to the relationships they were in fact some people only thrive through competition to know they are better than, or the need to prove they are better drives and motivates them to work harder. They do not know any other way of being.

Comparison denies our uniqueness. It makes us judge rather than seek to understand. What am good at maybe what you are worst at? Take for instance an introvert like myself values time alone. For me to rejuvenate I want to go to a lonely place all by myself. At the end of the day I want to sit quietly and have a cup of hot chocolate. An extrovert on the other hand may not be able to sit still and alone even for an hour leave alone going for vacation alone. Even when alone they have virtual company with twitter, WhatsApp, Facebook. They may not understand what the appeal of being alone is. Comparison makes us hate where we are in life, it makes us judge and be unkind to ourselves.  We feel left behind by others or ahead of others which makes us scoff at others. We cannot be at peace with our present because we keep comparing ourselves with others.

Comparison at its worst makes us loose the sense of who we are at a soul level. It makes us always want to be other than what we are, makes us want to be some place other where we are presently. We keep measuring ourselves up with others that we get lost in the comparison mode. We forget our individuality and uniqueness in the chase of being better than. It in this regard that who people portray themselves to be on social media becomes more important than who we truly are.  Life become all about others, it becomes about other people’s definition of success.

Before we start the challenging process of changing, we must admit to ourselves that it is true we do not know how to be without comparison. Thou most of us are able to keep envy,jealousy and our comparison quiet it comes out in subtle almost unnoticeable ways. We know we feel these things though others may not see. Let us start by acknowledging our uniqueness. Identify that which you are within or without that no one can be. Appreciate where we are. See how far you have come. How much you have grown. Try to compare yourself with yourself, identify ways you have become better. Dig deep if you must. Learn to be grateful, have a daily ritual of identifying things you are grateful for. Be kind to yourself.

There is a popular African  saying that says  “only he who wears the shoes knows where it hurts”  Don’t look at me and think how happy and well I must be doing ,you have no idea what the inside story is. Celebrate yourself.

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