Allowing ourselves to be

‘The greatest gift you can give someone is the space to be his or herself without the threat of you leaving’ Anonymous

A while back I made a comment to a close friend of mine of how much in love with him it seemed to me his wife is. He smiled and made a comment that I find myself thinking about quite often. He said he fears that one day his wife will see him for who he truly is and she may actually end up not liking what she saw. He said she might hate him or regret being with him. They have only been married for less than two years and I truly felt for him and knowing where he was coming from also gave me a better understanding of the situation. Looking back maybe I should have advised him to sit down with himself and reflect on what he thinks she sees in him, and what it is he feels she is blind to that he wishes she could acknowledge and understand. I also tend to imagine that sharing such sentiments with his wife could bring a shift to their relationship and to each of them as individuals. It made me wonder of all the things we feel and think but never have the guts to share that could literally change the relationships we have. Think of something you would like to say to someone, be it your wife, your child, friend, boss, associate, anyone at all that you never have the gut to say. Does this thing matter to you? How important is this relationship to you? If you said this thing, what is the worst that can happen?

 We have all at one time or the other found ourselves in situations where we were afraid of showing our true selves. Unfortunately for some people it is not just at times but a way of life. They live life in hiding, in fear of being seen for who they are. The people who have inspired me to write this blog are bloggers who at one time or the other allow us to really see them. They share very raw emotions in their work. Luwi Ajaiyi, Teal swan, Biko Zulu and most important close friends of mine who allow me to see into their lives. They have helped me grow.

One of the spiritual teachers and bloggers I love listening to is called Teal swan. When I discovered her you tube videos I found them to be so amazing and life transforming. They were life changing and listening to her caused a shift in me. However, as I visited her website and her blog the story was not the same. Here was a woman I admired and held high in regard sharing all these intimate details of her life. My first reaction was to close that page and forget all about her. I could feel myself recoil on the inside as I read some things she posted and I felt these ugly feelings arise inside. I was ashamed for her or so I thought but in truth these were my own shame feelings that I had buried deep inside being stirred awake. Reading her blog for the first time caught me unawares, it awakened feelings deep inside that I had simply refused to recognize existed. I simply refused to accept that she was a normal human being, a woman like all other women going through normal life issues like the rest of us. She shared stories of her failed relationships, her suicide attempts, and her crazy and sad childhood. Her stories simply made her too normal for a spiritual teacher. I have grown up knowing religious leaders are to be revered, wise and above some issues we deal with. In her case watching and listening to her videos I formed this image in my head of a highly evolved being, full of light and love. Yet here she was being normal dealing with normal issues and letting the public see into her. Letting us know of these weaknesses that you cannot imagine a spiritual leader to have, yet at the same time her teachings were so powerful they were changing me. It made me realize she was a channel for the divine, truly gifted but that did not mean she stopped being human. The universe treated her as human and so it does to all of us living in this world with no exceptions.

 

Despite all this connections are at the very core of our reason for being here as humans. We are all connected to each other in one way or the other, whether family, friends, business, colleagues, professions any aspect you can think of is driven by the connections we have with others and this planet. Vulnerability is at the very heart of connections. We cannot have true intimate and authentic connections without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is when we allow ourselves to be seen, we accept our short comings without the feeling of not being enough. Mostly we see each other but we do not see into each other. I would like to challenge you to search your life, reflect on the relationships you have. Is there an intimate and meaningful connection in your life in which you do not allow some level of vulnerability? Where you do not let the other see into you even if just a sneak preview?

We cannot live authentic lives, we cannot have deep meaningful connections without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. It has to be a mutual undertaking. Shame and fear are two of the  major factors that hinder vulnerability. It calls for being true to ourselves, being not afraid of our feelings, showing up, having and initiating the hard conversations.  It makes us accept ourselves in all totality, just as we are without feeling the need to apologize for being the way we are. Why don’t you want the world to see you for who you really are? Why do you not want your partner, friends and family to really see you? who you are. What is this that is so bad, so ugly you would rather spend so much energy covering than just let yourself be? Maybe the question I should be posing and one you must start with is, do you want to see the truth in your partner, friends, and relatives? Do you want to hear their truth? Are you brave enough?

 The kind of vulnerability am talking of here is where it starts with you. You take the first step. If you cannot share it admit to yourself that the feeling exists. Create the space within you first. Create the space for others by first allowing them to see into you. Then they may just gather the courage to let you see into them. Feelings are neither good or bad they just are. If am feeling angry it is neither good nor bad it just is a feeling arising from within me at this point and time. Let yourself feel things without judging what you feel. Without labeling it as either good or bad. Don’t distract yourself either, allow yourself to be in the moment, soak in the feeling. It is the only way to transmute it hence it does not turn into unnecessary stored energy. Feeling angry, sad, ashamed, humiliated, joyful, ecstatic, happy, it just is being human. Let yourself be. 

I will leave you to ponder on this quote by Roosevelt, ‘daring greatly’

“It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat” Theodore Roosevelt