A story is told of Jeffrey a farmer who wakes up one day to
find the storm that lasted all night destroyed his crop. When he wakes in the
morning before walking in his farm to access the damage he
calls on his neighbor Tom to ask how bad the damage is, “so how bad are things
there” He asks “What of Bruce farm? And what of Michael's? To know that the storm wreaked havoc
in all his near neighbor’s farms gives him a sense of comfort. He is not the
only one facing losses, others too lost. How often do we find ourselves in such
situations, where knowing things are bad for others gives us a sense of comfort
after all we are not the only one. Think of comfort found in support groups
knowing there are others going through the same thing as you gives you comfort.
Even in our own personal lives this does happen.
Comparison is measuring one thing against another. We
compare ourselves mostly to determine social or personal worth based on how we
measure up against others. There are so many factors that we use to compare
ourselves both social and personal for example intelligence, attractiveness,
success, education levels. We compare
our children, friends, jobs, clothes, spouses, shoes, neighborhoods and the
list is endless. The number of things that can be compared is almost infinite
and the people we can compare ourselves with is infinite.
When we are growing up our parents compare us with other children,
how fast is my child learning in comparison to children his age? In fact if we
noticed all other children his age have learnt something and he has not we
start to get worried. As soon as we started going to school the rating system started.
As far back as pre-unit we were being stack up against each other and being
given positions depending on performance. This went on in primary school, high
school, campus, the workplace even in society where we live. In fact in a
country like Kenya the curriculum is such that it does very little to encourage
self-discovery for children and teenangers.It is about sieving, grading and
comparing performance. Even thou one was to be exemplary and extremely talented
in extra curriculum activities it does not count for much. Hence it is almost as
if a natural thing for us to keep comparing ourselves. We have been conditioned
that this is a normal and acceptable behavior. It is seemingly the only way to
measure how well we are doing.
Comparison bleeds envy, jealousy, competition, resentment,
stereotyping. Comparison makes us unkind and mean to each other. It denies us
joy, gratitude, a sense of pride in our uniqueness. It breeds misunderstanding
and in worst cases low self-esteem. It will never be a win situation. The other
person must be doing badly for us to be better than them. We see ourselves as
better at times hence we end up scoffing at others. I have met people who
treated everything as competition from clothes, to education to the
relationships they were in fact some people only thrive through competition to
know they are better than, or the need to prove they are better drives and
motivates them to work harder. They do not know any other way of being.
Comparison denies our uniqueness. It makes us judge rather
than seek to understand. What am good at maybe what you are worst at? Take for
instance an introvert like myself values time alone. For me to rejuvenate I
want to go to a lonely place all by myself. At the end of the day I want to sit
quietly and have a cup of hot chocolate. An extrovert on the other hand may not
be able to sit still and alone even for an hour leave alone going for vacation
alone. Even when alone they have virtual company with twitter, WhatsApp,
Facebook. They may not understand what the appeal of being alone is. Comparison
makes us hate where we are in life, it makes us judge and be unkind to
ourselves. We feel left behind by others
or ahead of others which makes us scoff at others. We cannot be at peace with
our present because we keep comparing ourselves with others.
Comparison at its worst makes us loose the sense of who we
are at a soul level. It makes us always want to be other than what we are,
makes us want to be some place other where we are presently. We keep measuring
ourselves up with others that we get lost in the comparison mode. We forget our
individuality and uniqueness in the chase of being better than. It in this
regard that who people portray themselves to be on social media becomes more
important than who we truly are. Life
become all about others, it becomes about other people’s definition of success.
Before we start the challenging process of changing, we must
admit to ourselves that it is true we do not know how to be without comparison.
Thou most of us are able to keep envy,jealousy and our comparison quiet it comes
out in subtle almost unnoticeable ways. We know we feel these things though
others may not see. Let us start by acknowledging our uniqueness. Identify that
which you are within or without that no one can be. Appreciate where we are.
See how far you have come. How much you have grown. Try to compare yourself
with yourself, identify ways you have become better. Dig deep if you must.
Learn to be grateful, have a daily ritual of identifying things you are
grateful for. Be kind to yourself.
There is a popular African
saying that says “only he who
wears the shoes knows where it hurts”
Don’t look at me and think how happy and well I must be doing ,you have
no idea what the inside story is. Celebrate yourself.
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